Dealing with Grief and Loss
There are many kinds of loss. Bereavement is the first one we think of but there are other ways we can experience loss, such as a job, our health, our freedom, a relationship, our future as we know it. Dealing with grief and loss can be very hard, even if someone has not died.
Coming to terms with a future that has dramatically changed can make us feel very unsafe. Whatever we have lost, we have to face a future without something that was very important to us, that we probably assumed would always be there. That is hard to do. There are many ways in which we could face the new reality;
We could deny it. We could say simply, “It isn’t happening”, and for a while this may create a safe space for us while we learn to accept the loss. At some point, we won’t be able to deny it anymore, and though reality may be hard to handle, we have given ourselves a little space in which to get used to the idea. We need the support of friends or family to help us face our loss.
We could be angry. A powerful way to react to something we do not like is to be angry. Sometimes the loss is too much to take and because we don’t want to feel vulnerable, we become angry. It gives us a feeling of control and we take out our frustration and distress by being angry with either the things we have lost, the people around us or with ourselves. When the anger has died down, we need to be very kind to ourselves. We still need to face the loss, and if we have caused conflict by our anger, we need kind friends or family to help us deal with the fall out and our feelings of distress.
We could pretend we are OK. This is another way to distance the reality of loss. We don’t want people to ask too many questions because we aren’t ready to deal with it yet. We want people to go away and stop asking questions. If possible, when we are alone or with trusted friends or family, we need to let that pretence go and feel the pain we are trying not to feel.
We may feel numb. Feeling numb is a way of our minds protecting us from something too much for us to cope with yet. We may simply feel nothing. We know something has happened, there is a loss to deal with, but not yet. It may surprise us and those around us that we do feel numb, but we will need good people around us to support us when the numbness wears off.
We may become extremely busy. This reaction is the same as the other reactions in that it distracts us from the reality of what has happened. We may throw ourselves into planning, arranging, looking for more work, finding another partner, looking for more information, getting a second opinion. We may need to be active to stop ourselves from feeling the pain of the loss. At some point, the actions will no longer work, and we will have to face the loss that we are avoiding by being so busy. We will need people to help if we aren’t coping, and to be kind and gentle with us.
When dealing with loss, we need support. Family and friends are so important, and sometimes we will need medical help to get us through. The severity of our reactions to loss can range from mild to serious, and sometimes we simply need to ask for help. The reaction to loss is classed as grief, and so may of the helplines will help with grief. Many of them offer bereavement support, though if you have lost your relationship, or your health, or your job, you may want to call another helpline or seek counselling through your doctor.
Surviving loss can take time. It can make you feel like you are a different person, and you may feel out of control and lost in feelings you do not like nor understand. This is where you must be very kind to yourself, and do not expect too much too soon. Sometimes, the situation is resolved and if you have lost your job, you get another one. If your relationship has ended, you find another partner. But often it takes time to recover, and we have to be very careful that of our physical and emotional and mental health.
Give yourself time. It is said that time is a great healer, and it is. Take time and don’t hurry your recovery.
Talk people who will listen to you. Choose who you talk to, many people do not know how to listen.
Try to accept the loss. Accepting what has happened will help you find a way through, it will help with what you decide to do when you feel better.
Cry. Let yourself feel the sadness, the loss. Sometimes it is a relief to be able to cry. Do it privately if you do not want people to see you, but let the tears come. It is part of grieving.
Surround yourself with things that comfort you. This could be people, pets, time off, TV, music, chocolate, exercise.
Our journey through loss can take a long time. Be kind to yourself, don’t be hard on yourself, and talk about how you feel. You will come out the other side, and experiencing loss will make you stronger in the future.
Free Helplines
My Sisters’ House
You can see our COVID-19 support page for details on our helplines.
The Cruse Bereavement Care
Freephone National Helpline is staffed by trained bereavement volunteers, who offer emotional support to anyone affected by bereavement – call 0808 808 1677.
Supportline
Confidential emotional support line, especially for isolated, vulnerable and at risk – call 01708 765200.
Samaritans
Call any time day or night. If you need someone to talk to, they listen, don’t judge and don’t tell you what to do call 116 123.
Loss Conversations is a free listening and support service for anyone dealing with loss of any kind, and the effect it has on our lives. Run in Bognor, every second Wednesday from 10am to 12pm. All are welcome, just turn up. Run by Antonia and Marie. (Loss Conversations will run again once the Government restrictions are lifted.)
